This is satire. Read disclaimer
The only subscription box guaranteed to go up in smoke
Every month we deliver a U.S. Flag Burning Kit straight to your doorstep. Because nothing says I love America like exercising your FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHTS.
Each month, receive a US flag, freedom lighter, matches, and instructions written with more LIBERTY than the POTUS allows.
Ignite the stars and stripes, watch it vanish faster than campaign promises. Roast a hot dog over the ashes. Democracy tastes better with mustard.
Feel the warmth of knowing you've exercised more CONSTITUTIONAL literacy this month than most members of Congress.
100% polyester, 0% sacred.
Childproofed against common sense. Laser-etched with "Texas v. Johnson, 491 U.S. 397 (1989)."
Sparks debate, lights s'mores. Printed with actual Supreme Court quotes on each match!
A trifold with step-by-step instructions written with patriotic fervor and bad clip art.
One flag, a monthly "Freedom Quote," and access to our Patriot Hotline (an answering machine that just plays bald eagle screeches). Great for first time burners and closet patriots.
The full kit, everything in Lite, plus a bonus collectible (think: bald eagle air freshener or Liberty Bell stress ball).
Everything in Flamer, plus: A monthly "Pocket Constitution" printed in Comic Sans. And the honor of being added to our government's watchlist.
"My neighbor called me un-American. Joke's on him, I'm on the Supreme Subscriber plan."
– Greg, Probably from Texas
"I didn't read the fine print. Thought it was a BBQ starter kit. Best mistake I ever made."
– Taylor, Somewhere Free
"My granddad fought for this flag, and I fight by setting the fake one on fire every month. Circle of life."
– Casey, Maryland
This site is 100% satire. I don't actually sell fire, flags, or freedom. Well, maybe freedom—but mostly jokes. Don't sue me. Blame the FIRST AMENDMENT.
I get it. Burning the American flag offends you. I wore the uniform, I served overseas, and yeah, I hate that shit too. But here's the truth: non-offensive speech doesn't need protecting. Nobody is passing laws to stop you from saying "God bless America" at a ball game. The First Amendment exists to protect the speech that makes people furious... the offensive, the uncomfortable, the unpopular.
That's why even something as ugly as flag burning must stay protected. If you ban that expression, the flag stops standing for liberty at all. Catch-22.
I fought for a country where you can cheer the flag, spit on it, or ignore it altogether, and still walk away free. That's the deal. That's America.
So if this makes you squirm? Good. Share it. Argue it. Keep the fire of free expression alive—without needing to light a single match.